For many years of my life I changed things.
My home, my jobs, hobbies, who I spent time with, exercise routines, what I ate and drank.
Every change was, in my mind, going to be the one that would make me ‘enough’ – good enough, smart enough, secure enough, thin enough, pretty enough. “When – Then” was my mantra for a long time. When I get the new job/house/ number on the scale etc – then it’ll all be ok. Whilst changes often seemed to work in the short term no amount of changes made a long-term difference.
In the last few years with lots of help and support I’ve come to see that real change is only possible when I stop looking outside myself for validation and approval and turn inward. When I replaced “when-then” with asking myself “How do I want to feel” and then focused on the actions that helped create those feelings exactly where I was right now, real change began. No quick fix, but a steady uncovering, discovering, discarding and finally embracing my authentic ‘enough’ self.
Change has been, and continues to be, a slow and steady willingness to open up my heart space and explore the possibility that barriers erected long ago to protect me from hurt have done their job and it’s safe to crack them open.
Today I can allow myself to be supported, minded, held and loved. I’ve become willing to show up in all my messy realness and be vulnerable.
How does that look? How does it feel? How does it sound and smell?
It feels scary & safe at the same time – reaching out -holding back -giving – taking, all in equal balance. It sounds like fun, laughter, stillness, loud & quiet. It smells like rain, babies, trees & it looks like a smile, a hug, a being at peace. It’s a roller coaster, a walk, a dance, a climb. It’s all and nothing, full and empty. It’s messy and its real.
I rejoice in the realness, relax in the flow. I’m doing ok right now and I’m enough.
Thank you to our Guest Blogger this month for sharing her experiences and her thoughts. If you have a message that you would like to share with the world and want to do so anonymously please get in touch and we can provide the platform.